I (heart) Everything

Originally published: November 30, 2009

I really do. I pride myself on being just about universal in my feelings. I all the normal stuff, like kittens and cubs and milk chocolate and such things as you might expect someone like me might . But that’s all so easy! It’s a sure bet everyone s those sorts of things, and I’d be nothing special if I stopped there. 

No, I go a step further in my of everything. Like ing ugly things, such as fat or disfigured people – which I do! And my extends even to things considered gross by most people – sputum, sweat, earwax - and more! I non-Christians, cannibals, homosexuals, Mongoloids and liberals. I Ramadan, Hanukah and that African sounding one, as well as Brussels sprouts, burritos and egg foo young. I absolutely adore everyone at my hunt club, and each and every deer, rabbit, fox and vagrant who provides us with such wholesome fun. 

I even the unable, like Atheists – I sincerely believe that the Godless among us are very much in need of my , and it is a great responsibility. Come to think of it, I responsibility, too! Believe me, it’s a huge testament to my of all things that I continue in my unrelenting duties. I am sure you’ll understand me if I confess that in my heart of hearts I’d to introduce these people into Hell’s perpetual fiery embrace because they certainly deserve it for their doubting and their philosophizing and their science and their double-talk, and it would be a very righteous thing to see their eyeballs burning and their skin melting from their bones (and re-forming only to melt again!) and their ears shriveling up as they scream and supplicate and beg for a mercy that will never ever come because they didn’t believe in the of the One True God. 

Having so much at the start of the holiday season fills me with good cheer and a deep, abiding of my fellow man that’ll float me right up to New Years. That I can feel the so deeply and with such conviction reassures me of the goodness and the rightness of everything. And as I told you before, I absolutely, positively everything. 

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